As a child growing up in Portland I always felt a deep connection to the unseen world, the world of Spirit. I grew up in an Episcopalian household going to church every Sunday and spending as much time as possible in nature. According to my granny, God’s presence could be felt most in nature and my actions aligned me to Jesus or the Christ Consciousness.
As long as I can remember I was a seer. Like the kid in the movie, ”The Sixth Sense,” I could see dead people. One of my first memories was of seeing a beautiful woman weeping, my father saw her as well and being of Irish decent explained to me that she was a “Banshee”. He told me that a Banshee was a fairy woman and she was weeping for the dead. She was not scary, just sad. He taught me about fairy gold, how to spot a fairy mound, that fairies entered Tir Na Nog (the realm of the other world) through a fairy ring and how to tell if a spirit was present by the change of temperature in the air. He encouraged this part of me, my vision expanded. I began to see nature spirits, elementals and fairies. It was a very magical way to grow up and seemed normal.
At age 11 my parents got a divorce, I started going through puberty and the seeing just stopped. It was like the door just closed. We stopped going to church on a regular basis and my belief in God, magic and all things Spirit ended.
Flash forward to 1998 to my 29th year. I was living the happily ever after life. I was married to an amazing man, we were getting ready to buy a house and begin having a family. We had it all planned out. My husband made great money and so after we bought our house I would quit my job and become a stay at home mom. I was living the life that I imagined but better because it was real. I’d arrived at my destination. Tim, my husband, was on a vacation with a group of guys on motorcycles headed north on 101. His bike went down and he was killed instantly. Happily ever after gone bad.
Speaking to the ER doctor, his words to me were, “Are you sitting down?” I handed the phone to my mom and went into my bedroom, picked up a towel, put it to my mouth and screamed. My first thought was “I am so fucked.” I knew in that moment that I had a choice, I could go completely insane or I could find a way to let this experience enrich my life. I decided that I wanted to find meaning in the experience and not be damaged. Moments later I felt something come up behind me and engulf me. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be ok. Grace had entered me. I was never the same again.
The cause of death was a 10 cm. laceration to the abdomen. People don’t die from such a minor injury, babies are born into this world at 10 cm. I had the sense that there was something greater at play in this event and that it wasn’t personal. At the time I believed that you died and went to heaven and eventually you would all reunite at the pearly gates. Tim didn’t believe in heaven, he thought that when you died that was it, poof, you were gone. Trying to comfort me my mom told me that we would be together again one day. Doing the math I realized that would probably be in about 60 years. Bullshit, I thought, I can’t wait that long. I had to reach him sooner than my death. I began seeking, seeking, seeking. This desire is what set me on the path to healing and lead me to strengthen my connection with God, Spirit and the Divine.
The next day I went to Greg’s on Hawthorne and bought the most beautiful Mother Mary statue. I put it beside my bed and began praying for dear life. Growing up my mom said prayers with us every night before bed and grace before dinner. The one thing I never abandoned was saying my prayers before bed, The Lord’s Prayer and “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep….” I’d never asked for anything significant besides boys and Christmas presents. My prayers consisted of “Please, please, help, help relieve my suffering. I just kept praying and praying. Help me to remain open, to love, open to life, and help me to live through this. .” I thought I would die of grief; it would have been a welcome relief. I did the only thing I knew how to do, prayed my ass off.
My long-buried faith had kicked in. Grace had arrived. I came across this quote from St. Augustine. It became my mantra. I recited it over and over and over again.
Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe.” St. Augustine.
I felt so unprepared to deal with the grief and healing that lay before me. I knew that I had to see beyond my beliefs about death and life to be able to make a connection with Tim because 60 years was completely unacceptable. How could he be there one moment and gone the next? There emerged moments when I could feel his presence so strong, I’d have thoughts about him and songs would come on the radio connected to the moment in my mind. The phone would constantly ring but no one was there, wind chimes would clang with no visible wind. In the midst of deep sadness a magical feeling began to emerge. I had a sense that he was present, I just could not see or hear him. I decided to see a psychic/medium to see if she could lend some insight, before the session I asked Tim to answer some very specific questions to confirm that he could indeed hear and see me. During the session she relayed all of the answers in a manner that was in alignment with the Tim that I knew. This was huge, she confirmed what I was beginning to believe and inspired me to keep on the path. There was an entire world out there that I could not see.
I began to explore Buddhism as a way to quiet my mind, I spent so much time contemplating death that many days I wanted to end my own life, to cease the suffering. It seemed if I could still my thoughts I might reach a place where I could hear and see the subtle ways of the unseen world. I took individual meditation training from Robert Beatty, a member of the first wave of Theravada Buddhist Teachers who brought the Dharma from Asia in the 1970’s. His mission is to help others discover the profound ways Buddhist practices can transform one’s life, reduce suffering and create happiness. That is exactly what he did for me. Buddhism gave me a path to follow, I didn’t have to think, I just had to breathe.
I believed that by healing my own life and transforming my grief I would make that connection between life and death. I knew the love we shared had the ability to transcend time and space. I was willing to suspend all judgment and past beliefs to reach this goal. Nothing was out of the realm of possibility. I had absolutely nothing to lose, it had already been lost. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty, but it gave me a reason to get out of bed each morning.
Education & Training
- Reiki Master
- Doula- Founder Mother Tree Birth Services. Attended over 250 births.
- Childbirth Educator-Birthing from Within.
- Apprentice Midwife
- Massage Therapist
- Flower Essence Alchemist
- Lactation Educator
- Craniosacral Therapy-The Upledger Institute
- Energy Healer
- Clairvoyant & Energy Awareness
The desire to heal my own life and connect with what is unseen has taken me on a journey that I never knew was possible or even imagined. Lemons into lemonade and all. It has created in me an unwavering faith, a belief that God is real and the world of Spirit is available to us all if we are willing to open our hearts, our minds and still ourselves. The Divine dwells in us and everything around us, all that is seen and unseen. Waiting for us to remember who we are and where we came from.
Healing isn’t curing but allowing what is now to bring you closer to God.” Ram Dass